Weddings

La Perla? That is a fine fine gift Lady Crumpet. Her heaving bossom will thank you I am certain.

On the topic of bossoms and weddings - A few years ago I went to the wedding of one of Lord Major's cousins and his perky blonde fiance, whom he met while holidaying in South America (fiance was teaching or do-gooding down there).

At the time, the cousin was in a long term relationship with a woman with whom he a 3 year old child. As such, she was in no way inclined to be perky, but was nice, smart, accomplished and much loved by the family nonetheless.

The cousin it was said, was too independent, carefree and freespirited for anything as serious as marriage, so life went on... until one day he jumped into his candy apple porche, drove to the airport, hopped onto a plane and met the perky woman of his dreams. He had fallen head over heels in a matter of days and determined to marry his blonde goddess immediately. So he whisked her back to England to meet her parents and have her meet his and of course to tell the long suffering girlfriend the bad news.

But that alas is not my story...

On the wedding invites, the fiance, whom we had not yet met, enclosed a handwritten note, telling us how she was a sucker for traditional weddings and asking, nay... demanding we all wear hats or not bother going to her wedding at all. Most of Lord Major's family not already offended by the events mentioned above, were now 'officially' miffed and there was much drama about the donning of hats and various other plummage.

As predicted, the wedding turned out to be one of those ghastly affairs - held in a converted tudor coach house; white Bentley, white horses, white flowers; dress so white I was blinded as the bride from her golden coach like cinderella.

At the wedding there was a quartet made up of classical beauties playing Bach ad naseum, an opera singer, a tux and tailed pianist, 3 professional video recorders, 2 photographers and many, many ladies in overbearing hats.

Partly because I ran out of time and partly because I resented being told to wear a hat (a lady must never be forced to wear anything she doesn't want to) I neglected this part of my wardrobe and so asked my mother-in-law to pick up something for me while she was out shopping.

Two hours before the wedding, she pulled out of a bag a hat she had picked up at her local thrift store. and by then Lady Crumpet it was much too late to do anything.

My mother in law had chosen a vintage hat. Vintage circa 1982! Yes, she had been a big Dynasty and Dallas fan and it showed. Not only that, but she had also one for herself, so picture the two of us in sedate cream suts with Alexis hat brims so wide they were in a entirely different postal code.



Her hat was coral and mine was white with black polka dots.



What can I say Lady Crumpet? I wore the hat with as much panache as I could muster and even though a few people raised eyebrows and one man approached me and said he really liked my hat because modern hats were silly and frilly and a REAL hat like mine was so refreshing to see.

As for the perky bride herself? One look at my hat and she crinkled her perfect nose in disgust and turned her back on myself and Lord Major.

Later I saw her standing around with a group of her ladies and they pointed to my 'power' hat and rolled their eyes and giggled.

It just goes to show. A true lady shouldn't be judged by the size of her hat or her heaving bossom.